Hickory Dickory Dock...someone's about to get clocked

As a stay at home Mom; I do not have to 'punch' a clock. If I am 'late' to work I will not be fired. I do not have to battle AM traffic. However this does not mean my time is any LESS valuable. I mean unlike a conventional job I can not 'Call in'...WHAT? I can not take a day off....I mean shit! I do not even clock out! I am on call 24/7/365...AND I do not get PAID!!! SO WHY? Why do people act as though MY time is not important? Phrases like, 'since you don't have anything going on,' and '..you don't work,' and my personal favorite'.....since you aren't working during the day..' WTF? I am up all through the night nursing a ravenous little boy, and my day starts at 7:30...sometimes 6 come hell or high water. And yet people act as if I am sitting on my ass eating bon bons all day. Those my ass may look as if it is filled with bon bons I assure you it is not nor have I had the luxury of sitting on it.....now I am off to attempt to wash my bon bon stuffed ass before the baby wakes up.

zip!

This last month and a half has been a blurr of tears, blood, baby vomit and shit. I have been feeling up the last two days....that is a record. Half the time I can not tell if I am coming or going. Olivia had a good day today. THe melt downs did not start until Her Father came home, usually it is the opposite. We are supposed to go to the mall tomorrow for a playdate. God I hope that child is in a good tomorrow, or this could get U G L Y. I am excited to get outof the house. You know it is bad when grocery shopping is the highlight of your week.....sigh. I felt really good yesterday and the day before. More 'up' than I have felt in over a month. I thought maybe the baby blues were going away. now at this moment I feel really irritated and tired and isolated and frustrated and I just want to sit and watch Law and Order in peace! Sometimes I wish I couls wake up and just for a day not be anyones anyone. No one's Mother, Wife, Sister, Daughter, Friend....some days I just want everyone to go away. Some days I do not give a shit what is for dinner or if this stain will come out of your shirt, or if the baby is crying.....I just want to watch Law and Order.

...someone call child services!

I locked Caleb in the van. I was putting him in the back I had the key in my hand, I HEARD the beep, but it just didn't register until it was too late. You know that moment when you realize that you have locked your keys in the car....and the baby? SO I run to the office to call my husband to come and unlock the van. The handy man aka The Russian come to take a peak at the fiasco that is my life. And offers this, 'Is okay, car is not running. And not so cold today.'.....thanks.
So there I stand face pressed against the glass staring at him. He smiles and begins to coo. I feel like shit. I am crying, and I think as long as he is smiling.....he begins to cry. I loos eit. I am outside the car sobbing fully prepared to turn myself in when this is over. AT least Olivia wasn't in the car. At least the temperature is okay today! Then he falls asleep..I stare at him and cry. Several of my neighbors walk by. No one says a WORD to me. I am a bit put off by this now that I think about it. I do not exactly live in Mr. Roger's neighborhood, but damn! Caleb seems unscathed, but I do not think I will be attempting to leave the house again for awhile.

No Bucks for Star Bucks

I was determined to leave the apartment today. I got both children together and into the van! Victory! I go to the StarBucks drive through and place an order. StarBucks makes me feel human, like a person, not a Mommy. I get to the window place my order look into my walllet...no money. *Flash to the previous evening...Olivia that is Momm's purse....* DAMN. She has taken my money. I charge a 2- coffee to VISA. I park in the lot and frantic dig through my purse...so help me GOD...if I have to go all the way back home..I find my check card anyway and we're off to Target . It is a smooth trip over all-less the Star Bucks incident and I am pleased with myself..maybe, just maybe I can do this.